We are all going to die, study says

It appears as though the old saying may be true – no one is getting out of here alive.

A recent study conducted by the University of East Essex found that every single human being on the planet is going to die some day.  This held true regardless of what the person ate, how much exercise they got, and whether or not they flossed.

“We were stunned by the results,” lead researcher Joe Schmoe said. “We thought we might be able to find some combination of lifestyle choices that would lead to immortality, but we couldn’t find a single one. It turns out that no matter what we do, we are all going to die one day.”

The study comes after decades of research connecting higher mortality rates to a wide range of factors, including trans fats, red meat, soy, too much running, too much sitting, anything encased in plastic, cell phones, your makeup, your clothing, and just about everything else in the modern world.

But what Schmoe and his team found most interesting was that even absent all of these things, every person in the study still died.

“It’s quite puzzling,” he said. “Nowhere else do you see this kind of outcome, where every single person experiences the same thing in the same way.”

Researchers say they are not deterred by the latest research. Schmoe said they are still determined to find the optimal diet, exercise and consumption habits that will ensure no person ever has to die ever again.