We are all going to die, study says

It appears as though the old saying may be true – no one is getting out of here alive.

A recent study conducted by the University of East Essex found that every single human being on the planet is going to die some day.Β  This held true regardless of what the person ate, how much exercise they got, and whether or not they flossed.

“We were stunned by the results,” lead researcher Joe Schmoe said. “We thought we might be able to find some combination of lifestyle choices that would lead to immortality, but we couldn’t find a single one. It turns out that no matter what we do, we are all going to die one day.”

The study comes after decades of research connecting higher mortality rates to a wide range of factors, including trans fats, red meat, soy, too much running, too much sitting, anything encased in plastic, cell phones, your makeup,Β your clothing, and just about everything else in the modern world.

But what Schmoe and his team found most interesting was that even absent all of these things, every person in the study still died.

“It’s quite puzzling,” he said. “Nowhere else do you see this kind of outcome, where every single person experiences the same thing in the same way.”

Researchers say they are not deterred by the latest research. Schmoe said they are still determined to find the optimal diet, exercise and consumption habits that will ensure no person ever has to die ever again.

22 responses to “We are all going to die, study says

  1. Did you recently change jobs to become a writer for The Onion?!

    Anyway, eagerly awaiting something like “The Tortoise Diet” to come along and show us how to live to be 150+ years.

  2. Too funny. But hey, we are all here hoping that the time we have on the planet is spent happy and healthy at least :). I watch space and universe documentaries with my son all the time and am constantly hearing how the Earth is going to burn up eventually and life will be gone– puts things in perspective… thanks for the laugh!

  3. I worked with a woman who used to say if she could just quit smoking, she wouldn’t have to worry about getting sick and dying. I was the one to let her know that she was going to die regardless of her habits. She decided to continue smoking, so I am responsible for that bad habit?? Now I just wonder if someone somewhere is using my tax dollars for similar research … Thanks for posting.

    • LOL whoops. I don’t think the fault is with you, though. Her logic is kind of faulty. I mean, she’s free to smoke however much she wants but as a former smoker I have like a million reasons why quitting ruled, and “because I might be able to live forever now” is not one of them.

    • I actually tossed all my vitamins and fish oil capsules in the trash a few months ago after reading that the effects of them could range from non-existent to actively harmful. I don’t have any sort of chronic deficiencies and I try to eat a well-balanced diet so I don’t have any need for them.

  4. I would argue that we don’t all experience the exact same thing in the exact same way. Yes, we are all equally dead, but some deaths are WAY better than others…trust me, I’m a doctor

    • Good point. I would much rather go in my sleep as a 92-year-old woman than, say…you know, I’m not even going to write it out. We all know that there are lots of horrible ways to die.

  5. It really is not that big of a shock. Every thing in this world has an end. Humans, plants, animals and even the things we own will eventually reach the extent of its existence. If they can find a species of something in this Earth then immortality might be possible.

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