Let me help you be sexy while playing sports!

Hey ladies!  Do you feel feel unattractive and undesirable when you line up at the local 5K?  Does playing basketball make you feel wistful for the other balls you’d really like to play with?  Well do not fear, dear ladies, because I am here to make sure you never, ever have to spend a single second of your life thinking about something other than being the best, bounciest sexbot you can possibly be.

The first thing you should do is get rid of your ratty old race t-shirts and ditch those baggy basketball shorts.  We are going for super sexy sexiness here, so get yourself some yoga pants – because we all know that yoga pants equal insta-boners for miles around – and squeeze your boobs into a tiny tank top.  The more skin showing, the better, because as one Cher Horowitz once said, “Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex.”

Words of wisdom, Cher.

Sometimes it takes more than bare skin to catch the eye of that special someone. Sometimes you have to be a little more overt when it comes to transmitting your desire to have the sexiest sex ever.  It’s not enough to just flip your loose ponytail over your shoulder or to wave the tendrils of hair you so artfully freed from your pink Yankees cap away from your face.  You want the object of your desire to know that you have both boobs and ass and you know how to use them, so start learning how to twist your torso so you can best display both of your womanly assets at the same time.

Girl power! (Courtesy The Hawkeye Initiative)

You’ll look sexy AND like you can kick ass at the same time!  Just don’t try to run…or catch anything…or jump…or really do anything. You might obliterate your vertebrae if you move too much. (And for god’s sake, don’t grimace when you tear every muscle in your back. That’s so unsexy.)

Remember, the goal is to only look like you are enjoying yourself as an athlete. Your real goal is to make sure everyone who sees you wants to have sex with you, because that is the true mark of your worth as a woman.  Anything less than a chorus of boners popping at immediate attention in your presence means you have failed.

We don’t want you to be too obvious about this, because as the whole world knows, there is nothing at all sexy about a woman who openly and frankly expresses her sexual desires.  Because you are a proper woman, any sexiness you convey must be accidental. Letting people know that you are trying to be sexy on purpose just makes you look like a slut, and nothing tells people you aren’t interested in being sexy like looking like a slut.  So remember, be natural and relaxed while twisting your spine in an S-shape and bending over at the waist to show off your magnificent tatas and your luscious booty. But for god’s sake, don’t look like you are trying too hard.

Be careful of being a try-hard when it comes to the actual sports themselves.  You might be excited to show off your mad skills on the court, but be aware, a lot of guys will feel worse about themselves if you show that you are good at something.  When you throw the ball, toss it with a floppy arm and when it only goes seven inches, squeal that you are soooo bad at sports, omg you guys! If you can, trip and fall down while giggle. (Your sexy superwoman pose will be very useful for this.)  That will give him the perfect opportunity to exercise some chivalry, and you can show him that, despite your sexy superwoman pose, all you really need is a big strong man to take care of you.

Now is not the time to do your best Jennie Finch impersonation.

So you’ve got your sexy sports outfit and your sexy ass-kicking pose down. Now we have to work on that gross sweating thing.  As we all know, women do not sweat.  We glisten and glow.  If you sweat, you are doing Sexy Woman wrong.  To avoid the dreaded full-blown sweat, don’t run too fast or work too hard.  (Fortunately, your sexy superhero pose will help with that, like a built-in sweat repellant.)  If you can, move just enough to cause a light sheen of sweat to form all over your body.  That will give you that ultra-sexy shiny-skin look that lesser mortals have to use baby oil to achieve.

And there you have it!  You will be the ultra-sexiest sexy sports girl anywhere you go.  Never again will you have to endure the indignity of playing hard and getting sweaty and enjoying the thrill of pure sport by going head-to-head with equally skilled competitors, regardless of their gender.  Now you can dedicate every waking moment of your life to making sure you are the sexiest sex-bomb to ever sex-bomb.  After all, what more is there in life for us ladies?

(This post inspired by this oh-so-helpful “How to Be Sexy and Play Sports” guide. Thanks, Wikihow!)