Hey ladies! Do you feel feel unattractive and undesirable when you line up at the local 5K? Does playing basketball make you feel wistful for the other balls you’d really like to play with? Well do not fear, dear ladies, because I am here to make sure you never, ever have to spend a single second of your life thinking about something other than being the best, bounciest sexbot you can possibly be.
The first thing you should do is get rid of your ratty old race t-shirts and ditch those baggy basketball shorts. We are going for super sexy sexiness here, so get yourself some yoga pants – because we all know that yoga pants equal insta-boners for miles around – and squeeze your boobs into a tiny tank top. The more skin showing, the better, because as one Cher Horowitz once said, “Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex.”
Sometimes it takes more than bare skin to catch the eye of that special someone. Sometimes you have to be a little more overt when it comes to transmitting your desire to have the sexiest sex ever. It’s not enough to just flip your loose ponytail over your shoulder or to wave the tendrils of hair you so artfully freed from your pink Yankees cap away from your face. You want the object of your desire to know that you have both boobs and ass and you know how to use them, so start learning how to twist your torso so you can best display both of your womanly assets at the same time.
You’ll look sexy AND like you can kick ass at the same time! Just don’t try to run…or catch anything…or jump…or really do anything. You might obliterate your vertebrae if you move too much. (And for god’s sake, don’t grimace when you tear every muscle in your back. That’s so unsexy.)
Remember, the goal is to only look like you are enjoying yourself as an athlete. Your real goal is to make sure everyone who sees you wants to have sex with you, because that is the true mark of your worth as a woman. Anything less than a chorus of boners popping at immediate attention in your presence means you have failed.
We don’t want you to be too obvious about this, because as the whole world knows, there is nothing at all sexy about a woman who openly and frankly expresses her sexual desires. Because you are a proper woman, any sexiness you convey must be accidental. Letting people know that you are trying to be sexy on purpose just makes you look like a slut, and nothing tells people you aren’t interested in being sexy like looking like a slut. So remember, be natural and relaxed while twisting your spine in an S-shape and bending over at the waist to show off your magnificent tatas and your luscious booty. But for god’s sake, don’t look like you are trying too hard.
Be careful of being a try-hard when it comes to the actual sports themselves. You might be excited to show off your mad skills on the court, but be aware, a lot of guys will feel worse about themselves if you show that you are good at something. When you throw the ball, toss it with a floppy arm and when it only goes seven inches, squeal that you are soooo bad at sports, omg you guys! If you can, trip and fall down while giggle. (Your sexy superwoman pose will be very useful for this.) That will give him the perfect opportunity to exercise some chivalry, and you can show him that, despite your sexy superwoman pose, all you really need is a big strong man to take care of you.
So you’ve got your sexy sports outfit and your sexy ass-kicking pose down. Now we have to work on that gross sweating thing. As we all know, women do not sweat. We glisten and glow. If you sweat, you are doing Sexy Woman wrong. To avoid the dreaded full-blown sweat, don’t run too fast or work too hard. (Fortunately, your sexy superhero pose will help with that, like a built-in sweat repellant.) If you can, move just enough to cause a light sheen of sweat to form all over your body. That will give you that ultra-sexy shiny-skin look that lesser mortals have to use baby oil to achieve.
And there you have it! You will be the ultra-sexiest sexy sports girl anywhere you go. Never again will you have to endure the indignity of playing hard and getting sweaty and enjoying the thrill of pure sport by going head-to-head with equally skilled competitors, regardless of their gender. Now you can dedicate every waking moment of your life to making sure you are the sexiest sex-bomb to ever sex-bomb. After all, what more is there in life for us ladies?
(This post inspired by this oh-so-helpful “How to Be Sexy and Play Sports” guide. Thanks, Wikihow!)
Oh dear God. Just read that WikiHow article…
I realize I am a little late to this conversation, but that WikiHow article–WTF? Item 4 telling women to put on perfume and deodorant cracks me up. I get stung by bees and wasps a lot, and after my third sting while riding last summer, one of my friends asked if I wore scented lotion. I said that no, even my deodorant was unscented. He laughed and asked why I was wearing deodorant to ride a bike all day in the summer sun with a bunch of stinky men. He was so right. Since then, I have not put on deodorant before a workout.
Okay, your comment made me realize that I often put on deodorant before going out for a run which makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE because I’m going to get so sweaty that no deodorant, no matter how extra strength it may be, is going to provide even the tiniest bulwark against the flood of perspiration. So I’ve stopped doing that. Thanks for the reality check.
Wow! All my life I have been grunting and sweating my way through workouts and wondering why, despite my enthusiatic glow (read: bright red beamer) no one desperately wanted to bone me. Now I realise that 90% of the time I was working out WAY too hard and that the one time I tried to strike a sexy pose and knocked over the water cooler that guy REALISED I was trying to be sexy… No WONDER he wasnt interested. I mean, expressing sexuality, who do I think I am, a MAN?
Thank you sooooooooooooooooo much for this post! Now I can attract my knight in shining armour!
On a serious note (and language apologies in advance) I once saw a girl applying fake tan BEFORE a ‘workout’. fuck. that. shit.
But wait, your sure-to-be-charming incompetence didn’t sweep him off his feet? I am so confused. Men, why are you so complicated?!
There is so much wrong there. I can’t even.
Oh, my God. Is that article for real? “Don’t look too competitive?” How does one LOOK competitive? BRB, I’m just going to go slam my head into my desk for a while…
I’m guessing you guys didn’t take a gander at the linked article (which WAS sincere and oh-so-scary). No, this article isn’t in earnest, it is highly sarcastic, and brilliant I might add.
I’m pretty sure they were talking about the linked article, not Caitlin’s post..
That’s what I’m assuming too. I feel confident that pretty much everyone who comments here or reads this blog would know that my philosophy is like the antithesis of that WikiHow article.
It’s almost like it’s satire or something crazy like that.
Yoga pants = boners as far as the eye can see.
This would be hilarious if people didn’t actually think this shit.
My friend and I actually once had a conversation about how strange it is that yoga pants have become this super-seksi item of clothing, because it used to be seen as a sign that the wearer just didn’t give a shit about anything beyond being comfortable.
I don’t get it either. I think of them as sweatpants. They’re just sweatpants that don’t get in my way. And apparently let dudes know I’m a super sexy sex goddess who wants to have all the sex with all the dudes.
I don’t understand this either..sure it accentuates certain assets but really? I feel like I’m wearing fancy sweatpants with less material.
I think if you re-read this article and then at the end notice that she wrote it in response to a WikiHow article about being sexy and sporty at the same time, you’ll realize that the author is using sarcasm to make a point.
LOL. Hilarious, but sadly….true for too many. But, how do you get that amazing booty if you don’t actually do anything? Lol.
This was great. Seriously.
Just to give wikihow some credit, there is a hilARious article over there on how to hide farts.
brb going to check that out. Not because I need to know how to do that or anything…
Right, I mean, we’re old—we have to have figured that out by now.
I usually just lurk when I come her, but this! This deserves a high five or a good job or something. I love your sarcasm.
Yay! Thanks for delurking, dude!
Yeah, I left a scathing comment on that dopey Wikihow page earlier, based on what you said on FB. In case it gets yanked for being too uppity, here it is: “This is a joke, right? Do you really think women should give a rat’s behind about looking sexy when they’re competing? This is sports, not a strip club. Get with the 21st century, and stop trying to make everything a woman does fodder for men’s masturbatory fantasies.”
Oh hell, this has made my day and it’s not even lunchtime yet!
We now have these in New Zealand and Oz. I’ve been active all my life, running, weight training, gymnastics, cycling, horseback riding etc etc, I have never once had this problem. Yet another thing that has been created for women to worry about to make someone lots of money.
I SAW THAT! Because a crotch should always be fresh as a dew-dappled daisy in the morning sunlight, right?
The sad thing is that it’s not like there isn’t already a market out there for women who pee themselves a little when they work out, but that wasn’t enough. They had to invent a whole new problem in an attempt to sell even more things!
YOU ARE AWESOME. I laughed so hard I snorted! I’m guessing that’s not approved sexy behavior either.
I love how some people thought you were being serious….
This is a perfect response to a terrible article! Just yesterday I was talking to my colleague about my competition, and he actually said: “What happened to the nice, quiet, feminine lady who started working here last year?” I almost bitch slapped him. Ha.
Tara, I’m tempted to go bitch slap him FOR you. What a ___________!
DUDE. Your coworker. I can’t even with that.
Caitlin, you are wonderful.
Favorite lines from the linked article:
“Subtle sexiness is sexier than blunt sexiness…” —– but they ARE both sexy, right?
“Don’t bend over and touch your toes; this destroys hamstrings” —- this could be telling
“When you are off the field, cheer for your team and wander along the field playfully.”
If you need me, I’ll be playfully wandering a field somewhere, smiling and giggling.
I honestly feel like this was written by a teenage girl who has this image about romantic relationships that has almost entirely been informed by magazine culture with basically no real-life experience at all. In that way I feel a little bad about it, but at the same time, you can’t put that kind of stuff out there and expect people to not cut you major side-eye.
That was my assumption, too. You can always spot victims of magazine culture. Ha!
Now I know I’m doing it all wrong; and especially since I don’t even look very sexy in my yoga pants since my quads have become too big and they stick out too much. Better use lighter weights from now on…..and read that Wikihow article….love your post Caitlin!
To hell with that! Big quads are awesome and sexy. I say wear the tightest pants you can and show those puppies off!
You just made my morning! Now I’m off to get a full-body sweat on, which is so not sexy. Oh well.
I must be doing something right!!! Dude always insist on sitting on the weight machine right behind me when I’m on the treadmill when there are like 40 others open!!!! Victory!
This = hilarious! Great job!!
(I went and read the original article, and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be. I totally think it was written by a young teenage girl. Plus, most of her advice seemed to boil down to, “Enjoy yourself and don’t freak out so much about whether you look good,” with “so much” being the operative phrase. She can’t yet conceive of NOT CARING AT ALL what you look like, but she can see that caring too much can take you right out of the game and that’s no fun. She is still looking for a happy medium, though, when none exists.)
I agree that it was probably written by a teenage girl, in which case I’d strongly urge her to reconsider her desire to position herself as an authority on this. Plus, the “showing off your flexibility” thing is just weird, and also rather juvenile.
LOL. Yeah, that was the one I found most amusing, too.
It was extra funny for me because I’m not very flexible at all (well, except in the hips, and I doubt anyone wants to stop the game long enough for me to wow them at the Sit-&-Reach; I guess I could put my head on my knees, but that also requires me to sit down), but I *am* very strong. I wonder if it would be sexy for me to go around randomly picking up big things?
OMG I’ve been doing it all wrong!
Seriously, this was brilliant satire.
Oh dear. I clicked on the article. Number 5 = ‘Have Self Esteem’. Yes. Thank you for the rest of the article. Which has helped with all the self esteem.
Also, she suggests ‘playfully doing the splits’ but my team mate tried doing the splits at roller derby to save us our spots for the line up, but she just got in trouble with the ref as a tripping hazard. Maybe she didn’t do the splits playfully enough? Or maybe the ref thoughts she was being bluntly sexy….
Um, Caitlin…under what circumstances were you searching for the contents of that WikiHow article? I’m dying to know. I’m also dying of lolz. The original piece comes with a…um…warning: “You might get sweaty. You might even get uncomfortable. That’s the whole point of exercising.” You don’t say.
Because I want to know how to be the hottest piece of ass I can possibly be, duh!
Just kidding, obvi. I came across it while reading this article – http://www.salon.com/2013/09/04/the_six_ways_we_talk_about_a_teenage_girls_age/ – and there was a section in there about how girls are bombarded with messages about the correct way to act, and naturally I had to click on the link for “run” which brought me to the WikiHow article.
When I’m playing sports and working out my main concern is definitely being sexy. I mean come on who isn’t trying to be sexy?!? How cares about winning?!?!
I prefer to look like a sweaty dog that looks like it is desperately in need of a bath when I workout. Now that is sexy.
I loved this. You had me smiling from the start. The description of the “S” pose is perfect. Your work draws attention to the problematic “expectations” of women athletes with fantastic wit.
Reblogged this on unsolicitedtidbits and commented:
I loved this post! Enjoy!
This is a real thing? Read the “inspiration post” and died. I love that after telling you all the ways you’re messing up on being sexy it is then insisted that you have self esteem. Because self esteem is sexy. So long as that self is the specifically acceptable social norm.
While I’m jumping in this conversation late, I love everything you say here. It fits perfectly with an article I recently read regarding women in martial arts: http://thesportspectacle.com/2014/01/15/they-should-at-least-be-topless/
I actually came across this post a couple of days ago myself and I thought it was fantastic. The whole blog seems great, actually. Thanks for letting me know about it!
Great post, but you missed ‘Make sure your perfectly manicured nails match your outfit.’ This is the key to sporty sexiness, I feel.